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Like a fool, I woke up the day after Christmas and immediately got on the scales.
I was still suffering from a cheese potato and red velvet cake hangover, and decided I should know how much weight I gained over the holidays.
This way I can accurately gauge how many pounds I need to lose in 2012. I managed to hit 180, topping last year’s high by 15 pounds. If I continue to “lose” at this rate I should be somewhere near 200 by next Christmas.
Sunday I had to wear slacks to church because even the strongest support hose couldn’t keep my thighs from rubbing together under my skirts.
Cheese potatoes always go straight to my thighs. Dips and chips go to my hips. Meatballs and cocktail wieners round out my belly. Flavored popcorn from those giant tins makes my cheeks puff up so you can’t see my eyes when I smile. And I’m pretty sure all that eggnog runs straight to my ankles. You know it’s a fat day when your bobby socks feel snug.
Or your husband mentions, in an oddly appreciative tone, that your derriere probably weighs about as much as a third grader. Hubby has always liked plus-sized women, but sometimes he forgets that I’m not thrilled to be one.
After weighing myself, I sat down at the computer and made a list of New Year’s resolutions. I haven’t done this for several years because I got tired of setting myself up for failure. But this year I am motivated! I came up with 25 areas of my life to change or improve. Just for fun, I considered adding, “take up smoking,” “yell at my kids more” and “gain 15 pounds.”
Here is a portion of my actual list. As you can see, I was kind of easy on myself.
1. Keep closets organized. (First I have to get them organized).
2. Get up no later than 6:30 a.m. every day, excluding weekends and extenuating circumstances. (Rain anywhere in the worldwide forecast counts as an extenuating circumstance).
3. Never go back to bed after hubby leaves for work. (If I don’t get up before he goes to work, this shouldn’t be a problem).
4. Eliminate impulse purchases. (Don’t go down the clearance aisle at Walmart).
5. Go out to eat only two or three (or maybe four) times a month. (Trips through the drive-thru and lunches with girlfriends don’t count. Also, take-out pizza is not included.)
6. Make one extra mortgage payment in 2012. (A modest financial goal).
7. Average 2 pounds a month weight loss. (More feasible than “Lose 24 pounds”).
8. Eliminate caffeine (Slowly, over a period of time, but not while I’m writing articles or trying to stay up late to watch the Kardashians.)
9. Fix breakfast three days a week and on Saturdays. (This resolution should probably read: only make the kids fend for themselves three mornings a week. But if I pour the milk into their cereal bowl it counts as one day of fixing breakfast.)
10. Family Bible reading Monday-Friday.
The Bible reading resolution came about after I overheard my 5-year-old telling a friend that she knows a family who reads the Bible together every day. She continued, “Our family reads the Christmas story every year!”
I don’t know if I’ll manage to get it in every weekday, but if I can at least fit in an annual Easter story we will have improved 100 percent!
One year, hubby gave me a new Bible for Christmas. It’s a very grown-up Bible with a burgundy leather cover and gilt-edged pages.
He said I should have my name engraved on the cover, as he didn’t get a chance to do it before Christmas. That brought back a memory of when I was a young girl, sitting in church, looking at my mom’s Bible and wondering what last name I would have engraved on mine when I got married.
Thirty years later, I finally got to put a married name on a beautiful, leather-bound Bible. Of course, it’s not Manilow or Springsteen like I thought it would be, but Truitt is a good name.
Besides, if I’d married one of those other guys, we probably wouldn’t be reading the Bible together even once a year. It’s also unlikely that they would appreciate the fact that my butt is the size of a third grader.
Ginger is an author, speaker, and mother of five. Her award-winning column appears weekly across Indiana and Kentucky. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit www.gingertruitt.com.